I'm just trying to make sense of this mess I'm in.

I'm THIS close to deleting every account I have; facebook, blogspot, everything.

Revelation?

All my life I have doubted myself, worried about how others saw me. And the funny thing is, it's silly. It's a waste of any one's time. I don't wanna waste my life worrying. And I can sincerely say that I don't care. I don't care if people don't think I'm sociable enough, pretty enough, cool enough. I'm good the way I am. I'm quirky, I'm flawed in so many ways, I can a total loser sometimes (or most of the time) but I'm okay with that cause at least I'm happy. These years only come once and I'm not going to keep stopping to see what I left behind. I think I'm growing up.

This is good.

*cool blog title goes here*

So I went to Malta today, doing a little Christmas shopping, stupid dentist appointment and a little something for myself to cheer me up after the dentist appointment.
My wardrobe is richer, cutest cardigan ever (Zara) and cutest vintage grey skirt (Topshop). I'm broke but I'm so darn happy. I texted my mom when I was leaving and I was like 'I bought the gifts and bought a little something something for meself..obviously' She replied with 'obviously...'. That cracked me up. Can't wait for tomorrow. :D

life 101

So here's how it is. I'm not one of those people who gets angry at the smallest things. I try to believe in people, see the good in them, sometimes even justify their pure evil and hate. But how long can you keep justifying some one's behavior? So you quit, you quit making excuses, and you start to see the bigger picture and you just stop and realize how blind you were all along. They weren't nice to you because they liked you, they just needed you for something. They didn't start to hang out with you because they enjoyed your company, they just wanted your friends and they didn't pick other people because they forgot all about you, but because they didn't need you anymore. So they lie, because that's what liars do. And then come the weird stares from people you've never talked to before, and you start to wonder what they said this time.

Back.

I haven't blogged in a while. Stuff happened. Christmas is near, I've never been a fan of it. I told my mom last time, and she said that Christmas was never really one of my favorite holidays, since I was a child actually. For some reason the month of December and Christmas holidays makes me feel lonely. Hopefully this year, it will be different. Already made plans with the bestest friends EVAR (hehe), so I do think I deserve to have a little fun I guess. I recently bought a dress and this cool like biker vintage leather jacket. Can't wait till I get to try them out.

School related, it's pretty bad. I feel like I'm wasting my time, one of my teachers seems to have NO boundaries whatsoever, I mean, her ethics, or lack of, really frustrate me. I wanted to go to the headmaster about an episode which happened this week but then I was like, why do I even bother, the headmaster will always agree with the teacher and put all the blame on the student. Like always.

Anyhoo, can't wait for the 20th :D. It's going to be LEGENDARY.

Toodles and happy fucking christmas everyone.

Change.

Some people seem so comfortable to change. Me? I hate it. It makes me feel uneasy and vulnerable. I like to know what I'm going to do next. I like routine. I like patterns. I like being ready. Yes, I'm one of those people. I get all relentless when I have to change, even a seat in a class. I get all nervous like if I go sit somewhere else something really bad is going to happen. I know it's stupid. So while we're on the subject, do not take my seat, especially in English, yeah you know who you are, seat thieves. Do I go and take you seat? Yeah, I didn't think so. Well, to be fair I wouldn't dream of it...but whatever, I was saying something important. Right. It's funny how I can be so radically liberal sometimes and so radically conservative at the same time. It makes no sense. If this were 1789 I would have probably undergone a very tragic ending. Or not. I make no sense.

Just cause.

I refuse to let society dicate what I should do, wear, say. I will not apologize for doing what I think it right. And I will most certainly not explain myself for my actions.

People talk. They sure do. But what's worse is that they judge you, they think they got you all figured out by the way you walk, dress, tap your fingers on the desk nervously. I cannot say that I know myself perfectly, so what really gives you the right to make assumptions about me, about my friends? We're all still growing up, figuring this thing out, we would be far happier if we didn't waste our time smiling to people's faces and spread our poison as soon as they turn their back on us. Learn from your mistakes and respect and love your friends for they are your everything.

We might be living in a democratic country, but this sure doesn't feel like democracy.

The school administration apparently decided to deduce a whole day's stipend if we don't attend the PE lesson. Of course, don't attend English or History or any subject which is the basis of your future living, but God forbid you were to not attend PE. Obviously this is unfair. It should be treated like any other lesson. It's enough we have to deal with it. In fact, it shouldn't even be in our timetable!! We're not attending post-secondary school to waste time. If I want to exercise I can do it in my own free time. It's funny how the school feels that it's okay to deduce a day's stipend for not attending a lesson and is completely at rest with the fact that we have two 15 minute breaks. We, as the students cannot really complain because we are immediately dismissed because our opinion means nothing. And I'm not saying this without proof either, I'm saying this from experience where I had to go complain to the assistant's head about several issues, either because of teacher-student problems or something like this issue but I was simply ignored because it's easy, really, the teacher is right, you are wrong. It kind of reminds me of that book Animal Farm, the one about communism, hmm. On a more positive note, my mind is at ease knowing that these people who make the rules have some sort of educational background, they know about communism. The fact that they choose to practice it, however..

Students, do not sit idly by. Spread the word, fuck it, copy and paste my banter if you want. But do fight for what should be rightfully yours. Revolution anyone?

Eventful day.

We went to Baystreet today. Bought two tickets, first we watched Gamers, didn't like it too much, loved that Gerard Butler was in it though. He's awesome. Then we watched what has now become one of my favorite movies of all time, (500) Days of Summer. It's adorable to say the least. I was excited that Zooey Deschanel was in it, she's one of my favorite actresses, Matthew Gray Gubler was in it which was a plus. I liked it mostly cause it's not one of those sappy love stories that end really well. Anyway it's a really good movie. Then I bought most of the series of the Sookie Stackhouse series and some headphones. That's it for today, over and out.

Sequins, tea and shopping.

I like it here. I really do, I cannot wait till I get here to be honest. I feel like a grown up, which is a good feeling and also a rare one. Anyways, I did a little shopping; sequined ballerina shoes, 2 black handbags, watch, bracelet, black cardigan and I also bought these two history books which seemed interesting enough, they're quick thick, and they're very in detail, one's called The Rise and Fall of Communism by Archie Brown which is like 700 pages long and Germany 1945 by Richard Bessel. Figured I could totally use them. I'm off now. Watching Friday the 13th tonight. Yays.

PS. LOLS at Steph's 'YUMMEHHH' comment. LMAO.

Malta.

After a really, REALLY long week of pure torture and madness, the long weekend is finally here. Yays, screw that, double yays. I'm currently typing this entry from Steph's Apple MacBook Pro laptop. It's pretty sweet, really sweet actually. You'd wanna marry it. God, I'm such a loser. Tomorrow is a shopping and movies and fun day.
Toodles and happy freaking weekend everyone, and by everyone I mean the only 3 people who read this blog.